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Day ?? | Know when you need a break. I’m now well into this journey. It does not feel that long because every day has brought some sort of adventure, experience or realization. Though time has flown, it’s been far from fun and if I am honest with myself, I’m tired. The journey is exhausting and though I know I am progressing in the right direction, I wish I was moving down this road faster. Pushing myself so hard is taking a toll and though I refuse to give up, I do need a break. I don’t know how long of a break I need. I just need to take a breathe and assess where I was, where I am now and where I still need to be. I have a lot of things to focus on right now and need to prioritize. Day 65 | Comment Below! Here is a question for today’s post: If you woke up tomorrow and you did not need to work, what would you do? I asked myself this question today while continuing my search for some more meaning in my life. I work a lot and I have the privilege of enjoying and being good, maybe even very good, at what I do but I’m not sure that if I did not need to make money, that I would want to keep working. So what would I do? I think I would write. I would take the time to actually sit down and work on the story I have been trying to write for years. Aside from that, I don’t know what I would do. I think I would be bored and desperate for entertainment but I don’t know what that entails. I feel like this is the question I need to answer. Today’s joy: Being Wrong. Sometimes being wrong can be incredibly therapeutic. It means you have more to learn and that you can’t assume you know all the answers. Day 64 | How am I doing? I am happier than I was yesterday and happier than I was the day before that. If I keep focusing on this everyday, I may actually be happy some day. This is supposed to be more motivating that I realize it may sound. At least I have a plan. Today’s joy: I know I’ve said it before but live music deserves to be listed again. Day 63 | Failure. Why does the fear of failure impact me so much? Like most people, I struggle with this fear and the notion of having my fragile ego being bruised, paralyzing myself from trying new things and putting myself out into the world. The more I think about it though, I need to prioritize getting past this to really live. After all, if I fail when trying, would I be any worse off than I am now? Today’s joy: Steak!! Day 62 | Breaking Balance. In my ongoing search for balance in life, I am consistently learning about barriers that are getting in the way of realizing this aspirational goal. As I have said many times, though finding these barriers and challenges can be incredibly demotivating and they often make me feel like I am taking a step back for every two steps forward I make, I am finding them very valuable as root causes I need to address. I have identified the major categories in my life that need to balance and, as mentioned yesterday, I am generally feeling pretty good about my progress. In no particular order; work, self-care and relationships need to have this balance but what I am learning is being out of balance in one can dramatically impact the other leading to balance breaking. No matter how good I feel about one pillar of my life, when another is in turmoil, it can be a major distraction for the others causing balance to fall even farther out of sync. So the goal is this; find a way to find balance in all aspects of my life simultaneously but finding a way to do it where I am not overwhelmed by multiple, daunting focuses. Today's joy: Snacks. Day 61 | Balance Can Be Bliss. As I continue along my journey and new and exciting things are on the horizon, I am starting to really narrow down where I need to focus my efforts. I understand now that I need to stop dealing with symptoms of my issues and start addressing the root causes. Most days, and in most ways, I sincerely feel better than I have in years. One key to success I have realized is to seek balance in life, which I have done in some places but struggle to achieve in others. I feel better about work, which I have accepted is a big part of who I am. I feel better about who I am, though I know I still need to better define who I am. When it comes to relationships and my social experiences, I still need to find more balance. I need to not rely on others so much and enjoy my own company, trust in myself to be my own best friend. Balancing all of these things is very challenging but feeling more self worth is making it easier every day. Daily joy: A fresh haircut. Somehow goes a long way to help with your confidence and self-worth. Day 60 | Mental Health Month. Posts may be a little lighter for the next little while. I am working on something important that could be a lot of fun and really help me with my life balance. I’m still working out the details but I should be announcing this little project soon. It incorporates many of the things I enjoy and am afraid of so it feels interesting to me but could also be nothing. Either way, I’m excited to be able to share this to anyone who may be interested. For now, today’s joy: My current happy place. Denny’s Dam in Southampton. I love the sound of the rushing water and find it wildly peaceful. Extra interesting was being able to watch some people fishing. Day 59 | Jet lagged. That is all. Day 58 | Home & Finding Happiness. I heard an interesting sentiment that stuck in my mind. To paraphrase; true happiness does not come from achievement, rather happiness comes from enjoying what life offers you. I generally like the sentiment and it largely aligns with what I am trying to accomplish but I can’t help but see some flaws with this. First, not everything that comes your way is something you can enjoy if it goes against your personal values, hopes and goals. Secondly, if you are too distracted in life, you may miss what life is offering you. This reminds me of my recent post where I realize that I spend so much time focusing on work and the future that individual moments pass me by. So where does this leave me? I need to focus on small, incremental goals and cannot try to boil the ocean, looking for happiness in one grand accomplishment. I need to allow myself to let go of my thoughts and let moments happen organically. I also need to enjoy the good moments, and take myself out of the bad ones that get in my way. Finally, I need to create opportunities for moments to happen. If I hide behind my laptop forever, life will not have the chance to present my with opportunities for joy. Daily joy: Simple. The first hug from someone you care about after missing them for 2 weeks. Love the Frankfort airport! I actually got to step outside and breathe the local air before the next 8 hours on a plane. Day 57 | Homeward bound. 23 hours of travel and a 3 hour car ride ahead of me but glad to be going home to the people I miss. I think this travel time will be a good opportunity to reflect on my posts from the last few days and the life situations I find myself in. The past two weeks away from home have been enlightening to say the least. Though I know that I don’t know who I truly am, I am really starting to figure out what makes me happy and what does not. I have very mixed feelings being in this headspace but I know that it all of these realizations are critical if I am going to move forward. Daily joy: Last night was my last night in a hotel bed. Got to say, hotels always have the nicest mattresses and bedding. Though I don’t sleep enough, I do get some of the best sleep while in a hotel bed. Day 56 | Who Am I? Something I said in my last post stuck with me and I am having trouble shaking it. It's true. I have always defined who I am based on my job title. My personal measure of success in life has almost exclusively been based on my career progression and how much money I make. My personality is based on this and I fill in the rest of the gaps with adapting to whomever I’m with. While reflecting on this I realize how insane this is. Sure, a career can be one measure of success but it should not define you as a person. I think this is why I feel empty and unfulfilled so often. I don't have anything that makes me, me. I also believe that this may be why I hold on so tightly to the few people in my life that I feel I have a close relationship with. I live vicariously through them and define myself on the relationship, opposed to my own self. So what does this mean? I need to figure out who I am. I am not really sure how to accomplish this but I do know that it needs to be one of my top priorities moving forward. This journey I am on has really made for some difficult realizations but honestly, they are realizations that are long over due. Today's joy: Maybe I am totally biased because of where I work. Getting stuck in traffic has given me the great fortune of having time to have some incredibly interesting conversations with some Uber and Grab drivers. I have heard some amazing life stories, some fascinating life philosophies and some insight into the world that helped make me see a whole new perspective. Truly inspiring. Day 55 | With another day of travel, I am just posting a simple, and late, daily. This one also counts as a simple joy. I have been fortunate to travel all over the world for work. The truth is, I have a hard time meeting new people, wherever I am, and I typically define myself too much by my career. However, through work and these travels, I have met many wonderful people, some I am honoured to now call friends. No matter how much I like working from home, forcing myself out of the house and meeting people with a shared passion, even if that passion is corporate in nature, has helped so much with any social anxiety I have and has given me some connection with others. Day 54 | Learn from the past and move on. Though a simple concept, today brings another reminder to myself that will be a challenge, but a necessary one to overcome. In every life there are good times and bad times and experiences that’s fulfil you and those that leave you feeling empty. Ultimately, the hardest times are the ones you can learn the most from. Even when a situation feels like it has broken you beyond repair, there is a lesson to learn. Ultimately you have to make the decision to not let the pain win, to learn how to survive or avoid similar situations in the future and move past the moment. You cannot regret challenging times and can’t dwell on them. Take the lesson and move on. Daily joy: I had a very special moment today. Out of no where a massive storm hit India. Also out of no where, I had the overwhelming feeling of calm as the powerful storm reminded me of how big things can be and how small I am in comparison. Not sure why this made me smile but it absolutely did as a walked through the chaos. Day 54 | Learn from the past and move on. Though a simple concept, today brings another reminder to myself that will be a challenge, but a necessary one to overcome. In every life there are good times and bad times and experiences that’s fulfil you and those that leave you feeling empty. Ultimately, the hardest times are the ones you can learn the most from. Even when a situation feels like it has broken you beyond repair, there is a lesson to learn. Ultimately you have to make the decision to not let the pain win, to learn how to survive or avoid similar situations in the future and move past the moment. You cannot regret challenging times and can’t dwell on them. Take the lesson and move on. Daily joy: I had a very special moment today. Out of no where a massive storm hit India. Also out of no where, I had the overwhelming feeling of calm as the powerful storm reminded me of how big things can be and how small I am in comparison. Not sure why this made me smile but it absolutely did as a walked through the chaos. Day 53 | Am I a liar? I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I want to clear the air. Every day for 53 days now, I have been posting realizations, thoughts and activities that are generally optimistic and highlight the positive progress I have made on my journey. I hope that’s how it is being perceived because that is my true goal but I feel like a bit of a fraud. Social media is often criticized for people only posting a curated version of their lives. They don’t show the bad, just the good. Looking back on my posts I wonder if I’m only showing the good and not really showing that this is a hard, hard journey. I am far from perfect. I have really bad days. I am not happy, yet. I want my posts to encourage positivity and progress but I don't want to hide from the truth that my journey has a long way to go. Daily Small Joy: Even when they come from the most unexpected places, even small complements can be powerful. I am not sure if it matters what the compliment is about but hearing I have a nice smile and that my energy is infectious made my day. Day 52 | Travel day 2/4. Arrived in Hyderabad safe and sound. I did realize a significant problem I may have while I am here. On my keyto diet, I can usually get away with 10-15% carbs being included. The airplane food I had was a little over that. The vegetarian meal I had was closer to 100% carbs. Let’s just hope the hotel gym is good or maybe it’s time to try the 5 day fast I’ve been meaning to attempt. No. Who am I kidding. I love Indian food and won’t miss this opportunity. It not a huge deal but I am proud of myself for be conscious of the diet and not wanting to break the good habits I’ve formed. Joy of the day: Landing at an airport with a shuttle driver holding a sign with your name on it. Kind of feels special. I could not get a picture in time so I’ll just add something else India related. Day 51 | There’s no place like home? I miss home right now but I used to think, and sometimes still do, that having somewhere to call home was needed for my mental well-being. A place that you keep your stuff, a place that you can feel safe and a place that is your own. I’m realizing now that the physical location I call home is not as important especially compared to finding peace in my own mind. First off, all that stuff is just stuff. It does not mean anything in the grand scheme of things. More importantly though is that you can have that safe place, one that is truly your own no matter where you are. I’ve travelled enough of the world that I should have seen this sooner. What sparked this was a long conversation with someone who is very important to me. I realized that connecting with someone made me feel more at peace than I have in quite a while. I felt home in my own thoughts. People, adventures and anything else that brings happiness can give you that sense of home and security without some building to keep your crap in. Truthfully, while travelling I miss “home” a lot but it’s a great feeling to not NEED it. Daily joy. Live music. Is there anything like a little live music, regardless how good it is, to put a smile on your face? Day 50 | Welcome to the internet. A seemingly magical and limitless tool that grants humanity access to a wealth of information unfathomable at any other point in history. The internet can quickly become a tool that can warp a person’s perception of reality. The toxic nature of some only communities, conspiracy theories and misinformation can easily trap you and send you down a rabbit hole of dread. The other danger of the internet is when you use the seemingly never ending repository of data to self diagnose mental and physical health issues. I won’t get into the gory details but this is a simple reminder that there are professionals in these fields for a reason. I do believe that the internet can truly be a source of good and I have more to come on this topic but for today, this post is a reminder that the internet has its limits. Today’s small joy: there is something special about hotel showers. They always seem to have better shower heads and more water pressure than home. Given how relaxing I find showers, this is honestly a weird one but a wonderful small joy. Day 49 | All the, small things. I was inspired today to try something new, however derivative of “The Book of Awesome” it may be. I’ve mentioned many times before that I need to work on my ability to enjoy moments for what they are and stop letting outside influences and random thoughts pull me away. Another thing I have learned is that, no matter how hard I try, I will never be successful trying to solve all my challenges with one big change. I need to take small steps and take my time if the change is going to stick. All this said; I am going to add something to my daily posts. Everyday I am going to try to include one SMALL joy that made me happy. Even if it was only for a second, I want to appreciate all the small things that come my way. Today is easy. Dinner with some important, dear friends. This absolutely made me smile and is worth remembering and immortalizing in today’s post. @sheilapao @jenniepiepipay @ilithyia5 @ayenmlcx Day 48 | Boss Aaron. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the client side of the business. Don’t get me wrong, I loved working on the other side with all of the complexity, excitement and the variety that comes with supporting numerous clients. That said, it’s an incomparable feeling to have the ability to take feedback and make tangible change to support the truly important people that make the business run. Making a difference and bringing value to the world, even if only on a relatively small scale, makes it all worth while. Day 47 | Saying NO to bad habits. This will not be a surprise to those who know me but one of my favourite things to do, when I have the opportunity, is go to the casino and play blackjack. Even more so, here in Manila where historically I could often be found at the Solaire Casino with a cigar, drink and a stack of chips. I am proud to say that, not for lack of people trying to convince me to go, I have avoided the temptation to go. I’m not convinced that gambling can’t be a fun night out but I do know that it can become a bad habit and an unhealthy distraction, something I definitely do not need in my life right now. Unrelated picture. Just one of the secret entrance to my dream job. #kingsmanmovie Day 46 | A blast from the recent past. I left Manila just less that 11 months ago and have missed it ever since. It was very nice to be able to see some old friends with new and former collogues today. What a nice reminder where I came from with additional motivation for where I want to be. I am assuming many of my daily updates will be shorter this week with all of the focus I will be putting on work but I won't skip my posts if at all possible. Day ?45? | After 24 hours or driving, airport lines, flights and layovers, I have arrived at my hotel in Manila where I seem to have lost a day as well. Time zones can be frustrating. I feel like I lost a day in transit although I’ll gain it back on the way home. Might be for the best though. I am struggling to not be thinking of home. Over the next 2 weeks I will be in the air for over 48 hours. I’m about one third of the way there. The countdown to my flight home has begun in my head. Need to focus on the task at hand and enjoying to this little adventure. Day 44 | On the road again. Its been a while and I feel like I’m going home in many ways. Today I start the journey to Manila and next week, India. Looking forward to a bit of a change of scenery but can’t help think that I’m leaving a lot of unfinished and unresolved things behind. I know I’ll be distracted with some important work while I am gone and I am confident I’ll have fun along the way. What’s important now is that I let myself enjoy what’s ahead of me, in the moments when they happen, opposed to obsessing about what is back in Canada. I’m still not good at that. Other than what I know is an important trip for work, I recognize that this is an opportunity for me to make the choice to be happy when the opportunity presents itself and not get stuck in my head about other things. Wish me luck. Though I’m not convinced luck is what I really need. Day 43 | Expect the unexpected from surprising places. I have met a lot of new people, rebuilt some old connections and continue to repair relationships that were damaged in my darker days. One thing that continues to surprise me is how supportive some people can be. As I’ve mentioned before, when I started these posts, I did not expect any reaction from people. The ongoing support I’ve been receiving is incredibly inspiring to me and totally unexpected. I’ve underestimated people and society my whole life. There is a lot of good in the world. It may just take some time to find it. Day 42 | Living in the moment. Something that has always been a challenge for me is staying in the moment and giving myself the chance to truly experience life. Whenever I’m in a situation where I have the chance to experience something, I can’t help but wondering; What’s next? What are other people doing right now? What stories can I tell after this is done? Was this as fun as I had planned? Did it go to plan? All thoughts that take me out of the moment. I know that I need to be able to get out of my own way if I have any chance to really be happy. I can do it sometimes but it is very hard. I also figure that I will regress at some points but if I figure out how to do it and keep pulling myself out of my head, living in the moment will be one of the most important habits I can form. Day 41 | Company me meets personal me. Companies around the world have spent literally billions of dollars on training programs to develop their people into leaders and better their employees. I have been incredibly fortunate in my career to participate in numerous development and training sessions. I have leveraged many of these learnings to help build my career and my corporate self but until now have not really taken advantage of these skills to help my personal life. I think it’s worth a try. 5 Whys, DMAIC, SMART Goal development, True Colours. These are great examples of tools I already have and can use to add some additional focus and structure to my journey. I don’t know why this did not hit me sooner. Day 40 | Reminiscing. Took a moment to consider the past. Not a painful or negative memory per say but a look back at one of the times that brought me to a breaking point, the point that woke me up to the need for the journey I am now on. During the pandemic lockdown, I, like most, was locked in my home with very little connection to the outside world aside from conference calls, food delivery people and the occasional conversation with family and friends in social media. The saving grace was being locked away with the love of my life. Aside from that, I distracted myself with video games, binge watching TV and eating. I let myself go mentally, by going numb, and physically, gaining more weight that I want to admit and letting my hair go a bit insane. It was not until I finally broke did I realize how far I had fallen and how unhappy I was. The pandemic was not to blame but it did enable the worst elements of my life and mind to incubate and eventually take over. Funny. The only other time I had long hair was another time in my life when I felt as low as I did at the start of this journey. I wish I did not have to fall this far for it to be obvious that I needed to change, but I did. I cannot regret this, just learn from it and move forward. Day 39 | Choose to be awesome! The character Barney from the show How I Met Your Mother did a lot of things I would not emulate. However, his philosophy about choosing to be awesome is worth looking at. Sad? Choose to be awesome. Feel worthless? Feel awesome. Sick? Stop being sick and be awesome instead! Thought the last one is a bit extreme, the same way I can choose to be happy, I can choose to be awesome. Being awesome is not easy, but it is simple. Take chances on new experiences, engage in the world around you and remember what an amazing person you are and let your confidence shine. Make the choice to be awesome, because you already are. For those who have read my past couple of posts, it should be pretty obvious that this post is me trying to shake my head and refocus on good things.